Is there no room for masturbation within your perfect union? Or do you, the well-married man, sometimes diddle yourself during the seventh inning stretch of the Yankees vs Indians game on TV or as your wife lies beside you in bed, deeply, reassuringly oblivious? No? You’re either a member of a distinctly small minority or a liar.
More than three quarters of men in happy, sexually gratifying marriages regularly masturbate. Even sexual icons—rock stars and professional athletes—opt for solipsistic sex every now and then.
Dennis Rodman, who claims women are as sexually available to him as oxygen, admits to an ongoing relationship with Judy (his right hand) and Monique (his left).
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Masturbation Has a Notorious Past
In 1758, the Swiss physician S. A. Tissot, in Onania, or, a Treatise upon the Disorders Produced by Masturbation, disseminated the idea that solo sex leads to insanity.
Benjamin Rush, the father of American psychiatry, corroborated this zany notion by observing that “self-pollution” caused poor vision, memory loss, dizziness, epilepsy, and a host of other ills.
By the 1800S, doctors discerned a link between masturbation and rich and spicy foods, which “increase the excitability and sensibility of the genital organs.” Sensing a huge marketing opportunity, John Harvey Kellogg, who remained chaste during his marriage but spawned the world’s cereal industry, developed cornflakes to inhibit the base desires that tempt men when they’re alone.
Well into the Dr. Spock era, the AMA was still roundly denouncing solo sex. For most boys, self-stimulation is second nature. Babies often pull on their penises while nursing or when they need to soothe themselves, says Dr. John Munder Ross, a Manhattan psychiatrist.
Later, in anxious adolescence, masturbation provides passage to a psychic realm boys feel safe in. Most adult men continue to revisit this private haven. “For some, it’s a way of asserting independence,” says Ross. “To the extent that a man loses himself in a woman during sex, masturbation allows him to define his body, etch it in relief, and reassure himself that he’s still intact.”
Don’t Feel Guilty Masturbating
Historically, men have been made to feel guilty if they masturbate, but selflove can, he believes, perform a psychic function. “If a man has suffered a financial blow or a hit at work, he’ll seek comfort by taking himself as a kind of love object.”
Not surprisingly, the very specific fantasies that accompany masturbation rarely involve the kind of sex you have with your mate but focus on some unacceptable sort of foreplay or even a prohibited sexual activity.
“The sex has more to do with himself than his partner,” says Ross. “He’s in complete control of the scenario, and an object of extreme admiration and desire. Often the fantasy has voyeuristic, exhibitionistic, or even sadomasochistic components.”
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